Could I be my own worst enemy?

I’m having one of those restless days where everything feels meaningless and frustrating. I think a lot of people with chronic illness get like this because we have mostly gone from leading a very full life to a somewhat beige existence with full, meaningful days interspersed when our health allows – but then we feel guilty because society dictates that one cannot be ill and have fun, oh hell no! I’m trying not to get upset about it and trying to set myself little goals for the day so that I feel I have accomplished what I set out to do, even if it’s not much. The only problem with that is that I’m not sure if I feel lazy because I feel restless and downbeat or if I feel this way because of poor sleep and my body needing some lazy time. Does it matter? I have no motivation.

Because I fell in the shower yesterday, I’m a bit anxious about going for a shower before J gets home today. I also can’t use my right shoulder to reach up above chest height or back the way, so washing my hair is out the window. I think that today I will just be smelly. My acid reflux is lingering and leaving me with that sort of gag-inducing post nasal drip that refuses to shift. I am yet to find a way to deal with this.

Maybe some of my feeling rubbish and frustrated is hormonal. Overnight I have become covered in pus filled spots, you know the ones that are amazing to pop? They are all over my face, chest and back. I can’t say I feel particularly attractive. I’m going to assume that this is yet another contributing factor out with my control. Basically I feel sore and rubbish and lazy and none of it is beneficial to any kind of mental wellbeing but we all have these discontent days and I think I just need to ride it out. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Ren x

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2 thoughts on “Could I be my own worst enemy?

  1. Ms. Mango says:

    Honestly, sometimes that’s all you can do. Hope that tomorrow is better. I think you’re totally right, its a feeling everyone who suffers chronically deals with wrestling those emotions. When hormones get messed up with it, it’s even worse! I hope you are alright after your fall. Better safe than sorry, waiting for J to be home to help you wash up and stay upright (darn slippery shower floors). xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. brokendownbody says:

      Awww thanks amigo! I am alright, yeah. My proprioception is awful on a good day and just for a moment when I was opening the shower cabinet door, I wasn’t thinking about how I was standing and my ankle just gave way. I stumbled out the shower grabbing onto the door frame and ended up in a heap on the floor! Glamorous, eh? x

      Liked by 2 people

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