**Potentially Triggering** This post is potentially triggering for those who struggle with thoughts of suicide.
“You are a burden. The people you love would be better off without you.”
Before, when I had these thoughts it was because I was depressed. I wasn’t a burden, I had a skewed idea of the world around me. My depression was a bit of a burden but when people love you, it’s just another bit of you that they accept – a really annoying bit. Nothing about my thoughts lined up with reality and nothing was entirely in perspective.
Right now, however, I’m not leading with depression. I am leading with a very physical illness that is taking away my old life activity by activity and leaving me feeling sore, exhausted and useless. At times though, when I feel overwhelmed and useless, the very same feelings come back but this time they are accompanied by less hysteria and more a sense of it being an actual way to solve the problem of me and my being a burden. They almost feel like a logical option. When killing yourself feels logical does it mean you are mentally ill or just at the end of your tether? Would I actually do it? I think I would.
I think I’m going crackers but it’s probably related to the fact that my progesterone/oestrogen levels are insane, I’m constantly in a world of inflamed joints/soft tissues pain, my sleep is absolutely awful, I’m worried about money and J’s job is really not secure, I feel like a huge burden on everyone, I feel so lonely and crap. I think it’s okay to feel like there is no escape. It’s not okay that quite a lot of the time I consider, in depth, how I could escape and it always ends up with me being dead.
I don’t want to be dead. Not right now. But the thought will pop into my head before the day is out and I’ll try to reason with it once again. Mostly because although I’m the biggest burden on J, I think he’d prefer me here annoying him than me being dead.