I really try not to give this too much thought but it’s been playing on my mind again. I can’t decide if I actually have no friends or a bunch of friends who just all happen to suck at staying in touch / inviting me to stuff. I start 98% of conversations and instigate most plans. I try really hard to include people in things only to constantly see collages uploaded onto Facebook of events I wasn’t invited to. I try to tell myself that if they don’t invite me to things (when I have previously tried to include them) then they aren’t my friends – but given that, do I have any friends? Do my family even care how I am? I ask them fairly regularly how they are doing and never hear from my siblings unless it’s someone’s birthday and I’ve failed to organise a communal gift. My 90 year old Gran called the other day because she thought my rheumatology appointment was on the 21st, not the 31st. She just wondered how it had gone. No one else has approached me to ask what’s going on. I’m tempted to deactivate my Facebook account so that people need to call/text me if they want to know if I’m alive.
I know that if I cancel a couple of times or struggle to make plans that are set in stone that it must wind people up and I’m really, really sorry about it but sometimes I can’t make myself an instant coffee, never mind going out for a coffee. I’ve noticed that some people then stop texting back when I try and organise a catch up. I don’t think that those people are true friends but it’s disappointing nonetheless because I thought they liked me. It’s not them that I’m talking about, though. It’s the people who I have been there for, who I have been steaming drunk with, who have previously borrowed my clothes/jewellery etc. I just don’t get how they can never message me to say hi. I don’t expect daily texts or even weekly communication but I’ve noticed that next to no one messages me to say hi, I’m always the one messaging them. I don’t know if I’d rather feel lonely or like a loser chasing people who don’t like me enough to get in touch.
I know that there will always be people in life who are like the social glue who organise the meals and bowling trips. Someone always has to instigate plans but it’d be really nice if just occasionally someone spoke to me first or made plans to catch up because they wanted to.
If all else fails at least I am fully equipped to become a crazy old bird lady. My neighbours already think I’m mad because I sit outside on sunny days with these little suckers!